Dyl

Sometimes I want to drop out of college for a year and move to africa and help orphans or build schools or something meaningful.

"And as they all grow older the truth will be understood,
cause we never turn out the way we thought we would. "

-Death Cab for Cutie



College is weird.

"and if I live till I can no longer climb the stairs--- I just don't think I'll ever get over you"


Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

Se uno stronzo!

Even expressing angry feelings sound beautiful in itialian

You know the reason The Beatles made it so big?"

"What?"

"'I Wanna Hold Your Hand.' First single. Fucking brilliant. Perhaps the most fucking brilliant song ever written. Because they nailed it. That's what everyone wants. Not 24/7 hot wet sex. Not a marriage that lasts a hundred years. Not a Porsche or a blow job or a million-dollar crib. No. They wanna hold your hand. They have such a feeling that they can't hide....And every single successful love story has those unbearable and unbearably exciting moments of hand-holding."


This is truth.

High school is over.
My relationship is over.

And despite everything, I feel like I've learned stuff.

4 years is a long time. I've now, officially, had my heart broken, but I've broken a heart. I've been in love, and I've been in a friends w/ benefits. I've been off again, on again, or steady for a year and a half. I've been cheated on, and been the "other woman."

And as much as I hurt right now, as much pain as I am still continually suffering, I feel like someday I'll look back at this, and realize that this was all necessary for me to mature in a proper way.

I'm scared of everything, as everyone knows...but at least, now I can say that I TOOK the risks to experience all facets of romance. And someday, even this horrific pain will pass, and I'll be happy to say that I was once young and in love, because as much as I can't believe it now, there IS a little part of me that says I will find someone else, and I will love again in a new even fuller way that I can't yet expect.

So, here world, take my heart. It is scarred and bruised, but it still is beating.

I fear this feeling inside of me.
This aloneness.
I used to embrace it, thinking finally I'm not overwhelemed by people, it's good.
But now I'm alone, and yet everyone is all around me.




So, sometimes I have to remind myself"
"You can't always sit in your corner of the forest and wait for people to come to you... you have to go to them sometimes"
-A.A.Milne (Winnie The Pooh author)

First entry at DC- October 17, 2005
"Life at DC
Going to "Jesus Freak" school isn't as bad as I thought it would be actually. Though there is som WE ARE RELIGIOUS AND YOU MUST BE TOO it's not overboard.. (ok, so maybe the Our Father before football games is a bit much, but what can you expect?)
There are some pretty sweet people there once you get over the fact that their daddies are going to buy them mustangs or porches for their birthdays, and you'll end up with a couple of new cds."

Last entry at DC
It ended to recently to wax poetic about it...all I can say is, THANK GOD I'M DONE!

"Things fall apart; the center cannot hold;

Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,

The blood dimm'd tide is loosed, and everywhere

The ceremony of innocence is drowned;

The best lack all conviction, while the worst

Are full of passionate intensity."

-Yeats

I'm doing shit loads and I still feel really trapped.
All I do is go to school, forensics, the musical, homework, sleep.
Every day.
All day.
And then people get mad

I'm not spending enough time at home
I'm not spending enough time with my boyfriend
I'm not spending enough time with my friends

You know what?
I can't do everything

I can't do it.

So stop bitching and complaining, please.
dear god.

Fighting with your boyfriend is really super duper fun.
So is fighting with your friends.
So is having your parents scream at you pretty much constantly
So is being stressed to the point of blacking out
So is being judged
So is being guilt tripped by everyone under the sun.


I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVE DOING ALL THOSE THINGS

Everything is changing so much and so fast.

I don't know how much I can handle

The rekindled relationship was awkward at first. They both felt weird, he was unable to tune into her the way he once could, while she knew it didn’t feel as familiar as he once did. Yet they made an attempt. It was wobbly at first- she wasn’t as inept as she once was: their harmony not as melodious as it always was. Yet with every minute spent together, the experience ran back, and finally in an exuberance not heard for a long time, her hands flew across the feux-ivory with perfect precision, and all was right in the world again.

These past several months have been rather trying on both my body and mind.
Yet through all the pain, I think I've learned a lot.
That I need to change my priorities.
That I need to dramatically alter my life.
How I'm going to do so...I'm not quite sure.
But something...well many things need to change quickly.

I guess it's like a catapillar metaphor (excuse me if this is too corny)

So, I kept growing and growing right? And then I found this perfect, warm, safe place...but it turns out it's only my cocoon, and I'm supposed to break through this web thing I've made for myself and become a butterfly...yet unless I use all my might and strength..I'm just gonna die in this horrible limbo in between

Dearest Body;
Stop fucking up.
You're ruining me.

Thanks.
Love,
Me

Typical conversation in my day (exerpted from this afternoon)

Me: You have a sparkle on your face
Boy: It must have come from your eye
*me laughing*
Me: Wait...was that supposed to be cute? because it wasn't at all. That wasn't even funny Nick, that was just stupid
*more laughter*
Me:...wait were you actually being serious? because I hope you were just trying to be funny but failed
Nick: ouch. It was a combination.


In other news, I some how am back in show choir and am not only Assistant directing the fall show but am also in it...
It's only the first week in September and I'm over booked

Though I've been counting down how long till I get to leave and escape and finally not live in the confines of my sheltered, ultra controlled life style that I call my house...

It's occurred to me this weekend that no matter how excited I talk about the fact that I graduate 9 months from today....I'm gonna be fucked.

I'm terrified of leaving

I've become a big believer in the whole concept of "everything happens for a reason"

When you go through hard times you find out who is really important in your life and what you really value, that way when you finally get to that light at the end of the tunnel and step into the sunshine you are surrounded by things and people that matter.

I love this sunniness, so thanks for sticking through the metaphorical rainstorms with me.

I haven't made a real update in my everchanging life recently, so I thought I should fill in my eager (ha) readers.

Newfound constant in Dyl's life:
Happiness.
Reasons:
*The Boy.
That's right. He even gets capitilization. But seriously. He's funny, he sings to me, likes Boy Meets World, appreciates my corniness, and...oh yeah...is crazy about me. What more could I possibly ask for?

*The idea that the end is in sight.
It's senior year and for as long as I can remember I've been counting down being able to leave, to flap my metaphorical wings, and finally I can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. With each college visit I make, I feel like I'm on a game show and I'm being shown what's behind each of the doors with the prizes. Freedom is so close I can almost touch it.... I love it.

*Finally settling in with a group of friends.
I'd been kind of floating around trying to find the right mix for the past 3 years. I think I finally have a good balance of band people and theater people, DC and DHS people, and instead of having seperate people to listen to me and to hang out with, finding people who can do both tasks. At DC it was really hard to find people I was willing to open up to and I finally have.

And most importantly.....I've realized I need to do what makes me happy: not what makes my parents happy, not what someone else thinks is cool... I just need to do what makes me smile.

So here is a brief idea for you about my schedule for the past week.
Wake up.
Eat.
Go to leadership class (aka becoming really super close with people you've just met time)
Watch a show.
Eat.
Take workshops or watch one acts.
Eat.
Watch a show.
Have a huge party.


It was fantastic.
I love Lincoln, Nebraska no matter the cornfield to people ratio =).

I can't express how happy I was I went. I met some of the most talented people in the country and made really close bonds with people both who I met there and the people that I went with.

Being exposed to that much theater just fueled my extreme love for it.

Wow. that's all I can say at this point. Wow.